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You're Not Leaving
by Luna Stargazer
yukina_jokana@yahoo.com


Note:
My first KoenmaXBotan fic, so it might not be too good. Fluff and slight angst.



Koenma Daiou stealthily slunk into his office, trying to look inconspicuous. All he needed to do was type up a report, save it and leave. No one would know he was sneaking into his office after hours to catch up on the work he had been slacking off on lately. "Koenma-sama!" Koenma groaned inwardly. He’d forgotten Botan and him shared an office.

Botan was sitting on Koenma’s desk, draining a large cup of coffee, "Is there a reason why you’re sneaking in here?" she asked, handing him a cup of coffee.

"You knew I was coming, didn’t you?" Koenma demanded, accepting the coffee. Sipping it he studied the woman sitting before him. He and Botan had always been friends...and lately he had felt the friendship shift onto a higher level - a feeling he wasn’t sure Botan shared.

"Of course. I’ve noticed how lazy you’re getting." Botan’s eye twinkled at him. "Am I good or what?"

She would be good, Koenma thought. His eyes widened immediately. What the hell was he thinking? He had read somewhere that if you think a thought often enough, you do it unconsciously. He did not want to start daydreaming about Botan only to find he was raping her or something equally horrible and embarrassing. "Why are you here?"

"Nothing to go home to. Might as well stay here," Botan said, her lavender eyes darkening.

"That’s not a good attitude," Koenma reprimanded her. "Pretty soon you’ll become as suicidal as Yusuke." It was a inside joke that Yusuke was suicidal since he tended to die, what, every 2 years?

"Would that be so bad?" Botan murmured, her eyes focusing on the wall in front of her. "I mean, not caring about anyone or anything. Not caring if you died or if you lived, not fearing either thing. Sometimes I think that’s the only way to live and be truly safe."

"But you wouldn’t be happy." Koenma was shocked by what his normally cheerful and optimistic partner was saying. She’s been hurt-badly, Koenma realized, setting down the half-empty coffee cup. "Wouldn’t you rather be happy then safe?"

"A long time ago I did. Now I’d rather be alone than risk getting hurt. Have you ever been hurt by someone you love, Koenma-sama? Other than Ayame’s death," Botan asked, her eyes dark with bitterness and disappointment.

He was being hurt by someone he loved right then. "Botan, stop it!" Koenma said loudly, slamming his hand down on his desk beside her. Botan jumped, startled at the noise that echoed through the office. "Stop this talk about loneliness! No one deserves to be lonely! Botan, you deserve a better life than the one you’re speaking of and you know it!"

"Koenma-sama, shut up! You have no idea what’s happened to me! You know nothing about my life or anything about how much it hurts to live with the memories!" Botan’s eyes filled with tears as she jumped up.

"I’ve been hurt too! But it hasn’t made me afraid to love and trust again!" Koenma yelled back at her.

"Koenma-sama, you sit here and stamp papers all day! How has that helped you love and trust?" Botan screamed. "And how dare you come in here all self-righteous and tell me how to live! You don’t know a damned thing about me!"

"I know you’ve been hurt! I know you’re scared and alone! And I know I love you, help me, that’s going to be my death!" Koenma yelled back. Botan stepped back, her eyes wide as if he had slapped her. Oh God. He’d gone too far. He hadn’t meant to shout out his feelings like that. But when the adrenaline started pumping in his blood and the anger filled him, he couldn’t control himself or his words. "Botan-"

"I’m going to forget you said that. I’m going to forget we ever spoke tonight. I’m going to forget this whole night entirely," Botan whispered, backing away from him.

Koenma stepped closer, "Botan, I-I’m sorry. But it-it’s true."

Botan backed further away. "Koenma-sama, if I were you, I’d forget anything you feel for me. I’m never going to feel anything back. I don’t need or want anyone. Especially not a man like you!" she finished, slamming the door behind her as she exited the office.

Koenma sank into his vacated chair with a hoarse half-sob, half-sigh of desperation. He’d fully succeeded in driving the only person he’d ever loved and needed away from him. And there wasn’t a chance of bringing her back. "Botan..." Koenma whispered, propping his head up in his hands. "You have to understand."

======

The days that followed were uncomfortable and emotional for both Koenma and Botan. Botan was unusually sharp, nasty, and jumpy and Koenma was unusually quiet, agreeable, and his eyes were sorrowful every time he looked at Botan. They hardly ever spoke to one another, using words only when necessary, preferring to scribble a note off when possible. Botan found herself twitching under Koenma’s sad gaze and Koenma found himself cursing angrily every time their eyes met. But there was nothing they could do to change the situation aside from one of them leaving the Reikai.

But Botan found a way to change the situation without giving up her job or her pride.

======

"Koenma-sama?" Koenma looked up quickly, not trying to hide his eagerness at her voice.

"Yes?" Koenma questioned, afraid to say too much, lest she stop speaking to him again. The past few weeks had been the most painful and emotional he had experienced since his turbulent adolescence in the war.

"I’ve been relocated," Botan said quickly. "I’m being repositioned in the Ningenkai-" Koenma’s startled and sad look made her stop talking. "I-I-I," Botan said, fluttering her hand in the air helplessly. She didn’t want to hurt Koenma, he had been her best friend since she had met him - but she couldn’t deal with the pressure and emotional discomfort he was putting on her. Botan was positive she and Koenma would never be more than friends... but it still hurt to leave him.

"It’s because of me, isn’t it?" Koenma asked softly.

"No, no, no-"

"Don’t lie to me!" Koenma interrupted sharply. "I know you hate me right now; but I deserve the tiniest bit of respect that being your partner for the past few years had earned me!"

Botan winced at his perceptiveness. She had always been a horrible liar. "I asked Enma-sama if there was any way possible for me to move without quitting my job as a ferry-girl entirely."

"Because of me," Koenma said flatly, slumping in his seat dejectedly.

"Well-yes," Botan said hesitantly.

"Damn myself to hell," Koenma growled and stood up. Botan’s head reeled with thoughts - how was she supposed to change the situation without hurting him? Koenma muttered another curse under his breath and stormed out of the office.

"Well, if you want me so bad, why don’t you do something about?" Botan challenged the empty office. "Damnit Koenma-sa-... Koenma, don’t make me leave!"

======

Koenma sat cross-legged in his office, trying his best to calm down. There was no use. Every time he closed his eyes, he could only envision Botan. She would be packing now... Koenma swallowed harshly. He knew every detail of her living quarters, from the table she always threw her keys on, to the kitchen she had forced him to help her paper last summer. Pink floral wallpaper, Koenma remembered. He had spent the day making sarcastic comments about her taste, but had ended up admitting she had pretty good taste when he had surveyed the finished project. A burning wetness Koenma refused to acknowledge burned behind his eyes. He had taken her out for dinner that night. He had made her laugh with his speech. She had made him laugh. She always could.

Damnit Botan, can’t you see how well we fit together? Koenma thought. We have something that you won’t find anywhere else.

Koenma stood up and crossed the room and stared out the window. "Botan," Koenma said suddenly. "You can try and escape yourself now. But I swear that there will be a day when you know that you need me! And I’m going to speed that day up in coming," Koenma vowed. "I’m going to make you realize exactly how we should be."

======

Botan glanced out the window of her den. "Let’s see," she murmured, glancing out her door and across the hall. The room was dark and she figured Koenma had already gone to bed or wasn’t in it at all. He hadn’t shown up in his room for the past three days and she had no idea where he could be.

Why do you care? You’re through with men and their lying, cheating, conniving selves! Botan told herself suddenly. She wasn’t going to give Koenma the time of the day. Not him and not any other man.

======

Koenma sat patiently in his seat. He’d boarded the plane as soon as possible, managing to get a cheap seat in coach by explaining his dilemma to the young starry-eyed woman selling tickets. Not paying attention to details, Botan had given him about her flight to her new post in Italy. He could only hope that he wasn’t on her flight. He had a plan and Botan being on his flight didn’t fit in it well. As the flight attendant’s voice crackled over the loud speaker, Koenma made himself comfortable for the long flight ahead. Stage one of his plan was completed and stage two was underway.

======

Botan sighed and glanced in disgust at the arguing couple next to her. Riding in first class didn’t seem to make anyone behave better than usual. Botan sighed again and leaned back against her seat, closing her eyes. She knew the reason why Keiko had booked her flight in first class was to make her feel better about the Koenma-problem, but the special treatment just made her feel worse. She wasn’t anyone special, just another girl who had gotten burned and was fleeing from a new prospective lover before she fell in love again. Tears swam beneath Botan’s closed eyelids. If Koenma loved her so much why hadn’t he had the decency to show up at her goodbye party last night or at the airport that morning? Not that she cared what he did or didn’t do. As far as she was concerned, Koenma could go screw himself.

As convincing as the words sounded to her mind, Botan’s heart wouldn’t let her believe them.

======

Koenma’s eyes widened as he spotted her in the baggage claim. Shit, she had been on his flight! His entire plan was ruined now. Koenma licked his lips decidedly. He wasn’t going to let her get away again. He was going to do what he had always been taught and act on pure instinct and heart. Koenma started in her direction, his palms slick with sweat and his heart pounding.

======

Botan was tired, pissed, and was extremely homesick for her friends and - Botan stopped the thought before it processed. "I promised myself I wouldn’t think of him. After all, that’s why I moved here, isn’t it?" Botan thought aloud. No, you moved here because you couldn’t deal with your own attraction to him and the fact that he felt the same, she corrected herself inwardly. Aloud she snapped to her stupid inner self, "Shut up!" No one around her seemed to notice she was standing in the middle of the airport arguing with herself. Botan flushed anyway, and hurried to pick up her bag.

Someone else reached for her black suitcase and Botan snapped without looking up, "Back off buddy. It’s mine!" Her heart leapt into her throat as she recognized the hand that was still grasping her suitcase. "K-K-Koenma?" she stuttered, not adding the ­sama.

"Let me help you," Koenma said simply and set her suitcase down beside her feet and yanked her duffel bag off the moving counter, setting it on top of her suitcase.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing?" Botan hissed.

"Getting your luggage since you seem insistent on letting it go past you," Koenma said, handing her the last bag.

"Why are you in Italy? Why are you here in front of me instead of at home stamping papers or annoying Yusuke?" Botan asked in a harsh stage whisper.

"Botan, we are like two halves of one being," Koenma whispered. "Don’t you feel how everything is right and falls into place when we’re together?"

"I don’t want to feel anything for you! I just want-," Botan stopped afraid to go on.

"What do you want?" Koenma prompted her.

"Koenma, I just don’t want to get hurt again," Botan said, bowing her head, tears stinging at her eyelashes. "So please...don’t make me have to face this."

Koenma’s arms wrapped around her tightly. Botan jolted with surprise in his arms, but his hold on her didn’t loosen. "Botan, you can only get hurt if you’re the only one that loves. But that’s not the same in this case. I’ve told you before... I love you."

"Why do you always have to make me see that I’m wrong?" Botan whispered in his arms. "I’d like to go on living in oblivion once in awhile."

"Does that mean you’re going back with me?" Koenma asked, hardly daring to hope.

"Yes. It also means..." Botan murmured, as his lips stopped only millimeters from her own, "...that I love you too."

Koenma’s lips met hers in a firm kiss, sealing their future together.

~ Owari ~



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